Sunday, October 2, 2016

Sleepless nights

Dear Anna Elizabeth,
This post is a result of some musings I had last night around 3.  You had been fed and burped and you were wide awake. I stood in the lamplight, rocking you, willing you to go back to sleep so that I could and it hit me how fleeting time really is. How many more nights will you wake to eat and just want to be snuggled by mama? Already at 6 weeks I feel you are growing way too fast. I already miss the tiny you that came home from the hospital. Already I'm dreading going back to work and not spending all day, every day with you. I realized as I rocked you back to sleep at 3 a.m. that you will grow quickly. I realized that it's already time to start teaching you the things you will need to survive this world. Yesterday we spent the day watching General Conference. I was called to repentance by many of the talks and realized I need to do better to make sure we start gospel teaching early so that you have the best chance of having the tools to make it through life and back to your Father in Heaven who held you not so long ago. Sometimes when I feed you in the bedroom, you stare at the picture of Jesus on the wall above the bed and I am convinced that you recognize Him. In my patriarchal blessing it states that I was close to my Father in Heaven and His son Jesus Christ. I'm convinced that you were too. I've decided we need to read scriptures and pray together regularly to get you in the habit early in life. Lizzie, I pray that you continue to be strong. To remember, at least a little, the love that you have for your Savior and the love He feels for you.  I also love you my little Anna. I'm so grateful that I get to be your mama. I pray that we will be close and that you will always remember who you are. Love, Mom

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Birth Story

Dear Anna Elizabeth,
Today I wanted to write down your birth story so that we'd have a record for when I've completely blocked it from my memory... you know in the case where I decide I want another baby.  It all started on August 17.  We were told to go to the hospital at 7:30 am to start the induction.  Dad and I didn't do much sleeping the night before.  We were up and ready to go very early.  After a quick stop at McDonalds for my last meal, we headed into Salt Lake.  We arrived a little after 7 and got checked in and assigned to the labor and delivery room.  I tested positive for group b strep so I had to receive a couple of doses of penicillin to protect you as you came out.  Around 8 they started me on the penicillin and a slow dose of pitocin.  The nurse Caitlyn was in often, checking vitals and making sure all was well.  She was a really great nurse.  She was also pregnant and expecting a boy in October,  Around 10 she came in and told me the anesthesiologist was going to be doing a c section soon so if I wanted an epidural I should maybe think about getting it now, or I might have to wait a few hours.  I decided it was a good idea to go ahead with it.  To be honest, I was really scared about it.  I'd heard so many bad stories about epidurals gone wrong and the size of the needle... it was nerve wracking.  Caitlynn assured me that the anesthesiologist was the best one in the hospital and it was going to be fine.  He came in and had me face away from him hunched over a pillow.  The good thing was I never saw anything he was doing- including the giant needle.  Dad sat in front of me and gripped my hands. It only hurt for a minute and then all I felt was numbness all through my legs and feet.  After that every time a contraction came I only knew about it because it showed up on the screen.  For the rest of the day we just hung out.  Pam came to visit and Grandma G. came for awhile.  As the day progressed, I was checked a few times and things went very slowly. Around 10 pm the doctor came in and said I could start doing practice pushes. He also mentioned that you had a bowel movement on the womb so the nicu people were going to be there when you were born to make sure everything was okay. With your dad on one side and a nurse on the other, I began pushing. I pushed...and pushed...and pushed...for an hour and a half until I was completely exhausted. My upper back and shoulders were so sore that every contraction it was incredibly difficult to even want to continue. Fundamentally I knew that I couldn't stop, but I didn't want to keep going. The doctor came in again and checked me but you weren't dropping into the birth canal. He went out to consult with another doctor, the resident surgeon, and while he was gone I told Dad that if Dr. Kasteler came back and suggested a c section I'd do it. I didn't want one, had so many complaints about people doing emergency c sections; but at that point I didn't care, I just wanted you out.  Dr
 Kasteler came back and said he thought you were really big and that was keeping you from dropping so he recommended a c section. I quickly agreed and they brought the anesthesiologist in to get me ready for surgery. They wheeled me in and warned me that the operating room was cold. Once we got in there, I started shivering uncontrollably and I couldn't pay attention to anything except the shivering. The anesthesiologist stayed very close and kept the drugs pumping into my system, and he kept talking to me to make sure I was okay. Dad stood on my left side and watched the doctors work. I was completely unaware of everything going on below my sternum. Dad took a couple of pictures while they were working. The nicu people were ready in the nursery next to the operating room and we'd been told that as soon as you were born they'd send you through the window and Dad could go in to watch them. When you came out your umbilical cord was wrapped twice around your neck and you were very small. I heard you cry briefly before you were taken away. The doctor was surprised by your size,  but said that if you had dropped the umbilical cord thing would have been dangerous but since you stayed high you were fine. The doctor said time of birth was 12:50 am. The nicu people took you into the nursery and a nurse took Dad, and they checked for meconium, and got a little bit out, but it wasn't major. When they weighed you, you only weighed 6 lbs 10 oz. You were 21 inches long so super tall but really skinny. They got me all stapled up and Dad brought me some pictures he'd taken of you, but due to the extreme convulsions and the fact that I was freezing, I had a hard time paying attention. I do remember saying that you were beautiful and not at all funny looking. Confession: I was terrified you were going to come out ugly. I was happily surprised by how adorable you were. When I was all stitched up they laid you next to me on the bed and wheeled us back to our room. After a few minutes, we did skin to skin and got ready to try nursing. You latched right on and ate for 45 minutes. It felt very surreal. Around 3, they moved us from labor and delivery into maternity. They told me since you were so small compared to your gestational age they wanted to keep an eye on your blood sugar before you fed the first few times. Each time it came back normal. Realistically you could have had so much wrong with you, but you were literally perfect. We were in the hospital until Saturday night. It's hard to remember the details of our stay, but we had visitors: Grandma G., Grandma Dette, Aunt Pam, Aunt Sarai, Aubrey, Tierny, Aunt Cherie, Dalynne, Grandpa G., Kayla, and Greg. (I think that was all... I'll edit if I remember more.) We watched the Olympics and slept and you ate okay, but Saturday you didn't eat as much as I felt you should, but you were doing good weight wise, so the nurse, Marguerite told me not to worry too much. Also on Saturday you had your first bath. I got to watch and take pictures.  Kayla tried to do newborn pictures Saturday morning, but we kept getting interrupted so we only got a few, but she came again when you were just over 2 weeks old. At your two week doctors appointment you weighed 7 lbs 11.6 oz and were 21.5 inches. You eat well, sleep pretty well, and you keep getting cuter! Now you are 1 month old and you are still perfect and we love you so much!











Tuesday, August 16, 2016

41 weeks

Dear Anna Elizabeth,
 Today I am 41 weeks pregnant. Like I said last post, you are a stubborn little girl! Last night I didn't sleep well. I keep having contractions that don't do much. At my appointment yesterday I was only dilated to a 2. The doctor is going to induce tomorrow. This morning I got a call from the hospital telling me what to do before we get there. I have been looking forward to this for roughly 36 weeks, but to be totally honest I am scared. Keeping you healthy and safe inside of me was relatively easy. I didn't change my lifestyle very much at all.
 You grew and developed just like you were supposed to, but now comes the fun part. The part where your dad and I become totally responsible for the person you become. The world is a frightening place.  There is so much hate and evil and yet so much joy and happiness. I prayed last night that I would have the intuition to do what is best for you. I pray all the time that I can be the mom you need to navigate your way through it. I'm scared that you will grow up too fast, that I will forget to live in the moment, that you and I will not be close. I'm scared that in six short weeks I will have to go back to work and leave you to be raised by someone who isn't me. I'm worried about messing up and all of these worries and fears may be irrational, but they are real and I'm just trying to wrap my head around everything before you come out. I promise to love you forever. I promise to do my very best with you. I can't wait to see your face.
Love Mom

Friday, August 5, 2016

39 weeks 4 days

Dear Anna Elizabeth,
I have learned something about you that I probably should have figured... you are one stubborn little girl. Starting at 36 weeks we've had appointments every week and you are rather content floating around in your balloon. Last appointment at 39 weeks I was dilated to 1 cm. Grandma and I believe that Anna is holding you hostage. Just another way to mess with me. Your dad and I are anxious for your arrival. I'm super uncomfortable and it's hot! We put the car seat in the car yesterday, so we're ready for you! The doctor promised me that he wouldn't let me go more than a week past the due date, but I'd be more content if you decided to come on your own. We are so excited to meet you.
Love, Mom

Saturday, July 16, 2016

36 weeks 5 days

Dear Anna Elizabeth,
It's been a really long time since I wrote. Things have been hectic and I've been trying to get everything ready for you. I've had all three of my baby showers, one for the ward thrown by Monique Melnychuk and Emily Gunnell, then one thrown by Aunt Nicole for friends and family and finally one thrown by Aunt Cherie. Lynae was in town for Nicole's shower which was awesome. I got a lot of really cute clothes for you, lots of diapers and wipes, and some fun toys and books. Grandma has the top of your sensory quilt done and we showed it at each shower. After the last shower your dad and I went to Babies R Us and bought some essentials like a super nice stroller and changing pad for the top of the dresser. I've been spending the last few days washing clothes for you. Many people gave me hand me downs and there are so many clothes! You will be one very well dressed little lady.
I am down to weekly appointments with the doctor. He is checking your progress and you are head down but not progressing really. I haven't started dilating yet, but we are in the final stretch! Just 3ish weeks till we see your beautiful face! We are so excited and a little nervous. Only a bit of time until our life changes.  Can't wait to see you. I love you!
Mom

Saturday, June 25, 2016

27 weeks 5 days

Dear Anna Elizabeth,
Today I am 27 weeks and 5 days pregnant with you. I'm very excited for your arrival, mostly because I am incredibly uncomfortable! Being pregnant at 37 years of age is not what I imagined for my life and I'm pretty sure it would be easier if I were younger. That being said I don't regret
any choices that I have made or the lateness of your arrival. I am still really scared about raising a child in today's world. Looking at politics and the way that governments are run and seeing the arguments that come from people making choices that I feel are wrong there is a lot to be desired when it comes to living righteously. Still I am grateful for the opportunity to help you to get your body and live your Earthly life. I hope and pray that I will be able to teach you the things that you need to do and to know so that your life will be an example to those around you and so that you will have the tools to conquer this earth life and be able to return to your heavenly father. There's a lot of pressure these days to make sure that you are raised properly with manners and that you are not spoiled or "helicoptered" and that you have the tools you need to survive. In my patriarchal blessing it tells me to teach my children to pray as I pray. Right now I'm not awesome at praying and I hope to get better at it so I can know exactly what I need to do as your mom. It's going to be a really big job to raise you appropriately. I'm a little scared, but willing to try.
I love you!
Mom

Sunday, May 1, 2016

25 weeks

Dear Anna Elizabeth,
It is early Sunday morning and I am wide awake although I'd much rather be sleeping. Last night started a massive wind storm that made sleeping difficult, but this morning it's pregnancy discomfort making sleeping difficult. I have some sort of weird pain in my left thigh that acts up and makes sleeping positions very uncomfortable. Add that to the hip pain from my ever growing belly and the fact that I can no longer sleep on my stomach or back and you have a recipe for insomnia. Work has been hard the last few weeks as you continue to grow and constantly move. I'm happy that you are growing well, but the fact remains that pregnancy is just not comfortable! In case it sounds like I'm blaming you, I'm not. I'm just feeding you the harsh reality of your existence. Feeling you move and imagining what you'll look like and be like is amazing. You have been the product of my dreams for many years. I'm anxious to hold you in my arms and teach you everything you need to know to conquer this world. In the meantime, I'm excited to carry you safely for another 14 weeks. Stay safe in there little girl! Time will pass too fast as it is. I love you lots baby girl. Love, Mom.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

21 weeks

Dear Anna Elizabeth,
Today is General Conference.  I have been able to feel you move for about 2 weeks, but today you are playing acrobat.  As I sit and listen to church leaders, you are making your presence rather known. Every time President Uchtdorf speaks you turn flips.  I like him too, so apparently you have good taste!  I've been very sick this week.  It started as being very achy which I attributed to you.  I woke up Tuesday with a headache and scratchy throat.  I went to work for an hour and a half, then came home and slept.  When I woke up the achy feeling was gone, but I woke up Wednesday with headache, sore throat, and earache.  I called the doc and he called in a prescription for my ear and told me to get over the counter cold medicine.  I worked for 4 hours, then came home.  Thursday I woke up so dizzy I called out of work.  Friday was the same.  Finally Saturday I woke up feeling somewhat normal, so I picked up Dalynne and spent conference Saturday with Grandma, working on your sensory quilt.  We've decided instead of doing a wrap you up quilt, we're making a floor quilt, that you can practice tummy time, while being entertained by lots of different textures, and sensory activities.  It's been fun to choose blocks that will hold your attention and to find material that is fun to touch and look at.  It's going to be very different from anything we've made before, but that's most of the fun.  I don't like the ordinary.  I went with Aunt Nicole to register at Babies R Us for things for you.  We've also registered at Target and decided to stay in our apartment instead of finding a house right now.  While thinking about how to make our small space work, we've figured out how we can rearrange Dalynne's room so you can share.  We're going to decorate with flamingos.  I have found so many cute decorations and things that will help us get the theme across.  If it turns out the way I'm imagining, it will be a fun place for you to live.  Well, I think that about sums up the last little bit.  We are getting more and more excited to meet you everyday.  Please stay where you are safe and sound for another 18 or so weeks!  You are growing just right and doing so well.  I love you Lizzie!  Love, Mom

Sunday, March 13, 2016

It's a girl!

Dear Anna Elizabeth,
This week we learned that you are a girl and we are thrilled. Last night we threw a gender reveal to let our families and friends know. It was a lot of fun. Now knowing that you are a girl, we can start registering for things and getting ready for your arrival. Aunt Nicole keeps asking what we have so far and the truth is, not much. We've found the car seat we want and we're considering some other things, but we haven't done much to get ready for you yet. We have 21 weeks still so I'm not freaking out yet but we need to start.
On a personal note, I have been waiting for you my whole adult life. I have dreamed my first baby would be a girl for 20 years. Little did I know I'd have to wait this long for your arrival. So very little in my life has gone according to "plan". I hope that you and I are always close. I hope that we will always strive to be a close knit family. I hope that you are close to your sister Dalynne. I hope that we have lots of love for each other and Heavenly Father. I hope the spirit will always be in our home. I love you Lizzie! I can't wait to meet you. Love Mom.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Dear Baby...

It's been a really long time since I've blogged.  I want to pretend that I might do it again soon, but it's been hit and miss for commitment lately... as in I'm scared to commit because I don't follow through.  I just pulled out my journal, where I made a new years resolution to write daily, in 2014. My last entry was January 3 of that year... I'm awesome!  Anyhow, most of my readers (all 3 of you) know that I'm pregnant.  We found out December 8.  When I was young and apparently less busy, I decided it would be fun to write letters to my baby while I was pregnant, so s/he would have some sort of personal history to start with.  I wrote on my phone December 8-10 and then nothing... see I told you I was awesome at commitment.  SO anyway here I am... attempting to do a better job of writing letters to Baby McDonald (or as Allen fondly calls it Pre-jit).  I thought if I blogged it I would do a better job of keeping it up.  We'll see...

Dear Baby,
I am nearly 18 weeks pregnant and we are just days away from the ultra sound to find out if you are Anna Elizabeth or Kaden Allen.  We have had names chosen for years and years.  If you are Anna Elizabeth, we will call you Lizzie.  Your name came from my best friend when I was 19 and 20. Anna was a lady I met because of Grandma and Dee's.  She was a regular who was 30 years older than me and had a goal to corrupt my mothers children.  It was because of Anna that I saw my first R rated movie at age 19... it was Pretty Woman.  Anna was a dear.  She loved me like the daughter she never had.  We went to dinner, took a road trip together to visit her mom in Idaho, and hung out scrapbooking and just chatting.  When I turned 21 Anna wanted to take me to Vegas to teach me how to gamble, but I'd received my mission call and we didn't have time for the trip before I had to report to the MTC.  She assured me we'd go when I got home.  We never made it.  Anna was killed 5 months into my mission.  Your name came from a conversation we had once.  I told her I loved the name Elizabeth and someday would name my first daughter that.  She told me I should name her Anna and I argued that I wanted her to be Lizzie.  She told me I could name her Anna Elizabeth and still call her Lizzie.  I agreed that was a beautiful name.  After she died, it became a memorial and I've been waiting 16 years to make it happen.  If you are Kaden Allen, you are also named for an outstanding person.  Your grandma Karen, Allen's mom died when your dad was just 16.  Allen wanted a name that would honor her name, and since Cherie used the name Kearen for a girl, we decided we'd use Kaden and make your name what we consider the boy equivalent of Karen.  I have always wanted a girl, because of the whole Anna thing, but I adore the name Kaden Allen, and so if you happen to be a boy I will love it.  I am struggling right now, trying to figure out what to do once you're born.  Our apartment is much too small for all of us, and I never wanted to have to work once I had a baby.  We can't move right away and me working is inevitable, so I will have faith and trust that God will take care of us.  The way I figure it, He sent you to us now and He'll provide.  I just need to believe it.  Well I think that's all for tonight.  I'll try to write again soon and let you know how things are going.  Love Mom