Because I Haven't Been Brave

 The other night I was very sick.  I came home from work early and slept for about 3 hours then got up, showered, and turned on a movie.  I chose You've Got Mail.  It's one of those fun romantic comedies with a predictable ending where boy meets girl and after some struggle, they live happily ever after.  I was sitting there watching when Kathleen, Meg Ryan's character, said this line:
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, valuable, but small. . And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around?"  
It struck me because I feel exactly the same way.  And sadly, I have discovered that the answer to the first question is that I lead a small life because I haven't been brave.  I have an acquaintance who I like to blog stalk.  She is a girl I know from high school, but we aren't really great friends.  Not because I wouldn't like to be.  Maybe we're just too busy to be anything but facebook friends, but I read her blog faithfully.  She hasn't had an easy life.  She has struggles like anyone, maybe even more than anyone, but the way she's come out of her refiners fire makes me envious.  I want the clarity she has.  Maybe I'm required to go through a refiner's fire that I haven't been through yet to get that kind of clarity.   Maybe I don't desperately want it because I'm not willing to pay the price, but her testimony of the role of her Savior in her life is something to envy.  Last  year I began a reformation of sorts trying to get myself into a position I was comfortable with.  I began to question things I've always done in an effort to get closer to my Father in Heaven.  I got rid of a whole bunch of inappropriate (in my eyes) movies and started reading some amazing church books all in this effort to become a better person and here somewhere in the middle of that, I'm losing focus.  I'm losing sight of what I gave it all up for.  I struggle daily with the Sunday School answers (prayer, scripture study) when I desire a close personal relationship with my Savior.  It's like I have the equation backwards.  I want the blessings without the sacrifice and therefore I lead a small life and I do so because I am not brave.  I do so because I am trying to find the answers in all the wrong places.  If I was going to be brutally honest with myself (and in turn with all you loyal blog readers) my future frightens me.  I have this desire to find that one single person who completes me, but truth be told, I have absolutely no idea how to go about that, that isn't scary.  I have wandered onto dating websites, but even filling out my profile terrifies the snot out of me.  I have no idea what to write.  I have no idea what person I am representing and that is ridiculous to me.  How do I not know how to answer the question "Tell me about yourself"?    And so like Kathleen in You've Got Mail, "I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.”