It's okay to be real

My last blog post got a lot of attention. Not necessarily the attention I wanted. I'm okay. I am making my life happy. I am struggling daily with being who I want to be, but I haven't given up yet. I'm still here and I'm still striving.  Today in relief society we are talking about being grateful in trials and a sister just said it's okay for us to be real. At the beginning of the attention I was considering deleting my last post but I won't because it was real. I struggle. I strive to be what I want to be and sometimes I fail. And that's real. I wake up everyday and I work on it. And I'm happy. And Heavenly Father knows me and loves me and will continue to bless me and that's real and therefore I'm okay.

Confession

I'm not sure anyone still even reads this blog besides me and I'm not sure why I've gone so long without posting, but a lot of things in my life aren't what I wish they were so I guess the blog is just one of those things.  I titled this post confession because it's time I came clean with so many aspects of my life.  I am not the person I wish I were.  I'm struggling a lot with who I want to be.  You know the single me thought that if I got married everything would be awesome.  The realist me understands that that isn't real and not possible and silly.  I'm not unhappy in my marriage, lest any of you fear that this post is about that.  Overall I am happy and I am living the fairy tale and the life I always wanted to.  On the other hand, I am seriously lacking.  I've blogged before about all the ways I need to change so that I can be happy, but I am the queen of 30 second conversion moments that don't stick.  Here's the confessions:  I don't read my scriptures nearly often enough.  Praying is for some reason really hard for me.  I feel like all I do is work and sleep and start over.  My work is not fulfilling.  All it really is is a paycheck, and I'm so in debt it's barely covering stuff.  I'm not good at budgeting, not good at studying, not good at anything useful.  I am barely hanging on, and it's not okay.

Quiet Sunday Morning

"Early" Sunday mornings are very quiet at our house.  Allen takes advantage of late church to sleep in and as much as I wish I could my body wakes up just before 8 with a need for relief.  Some Sundays I satisfy that need and snuggle back up with my husband, but today I decided to get up and shower before the bathroom gets hectic with everyone else (we have Dalynne this weekend).  As I showered I thought about my myriad of blessings and my testimony of Heavenly Fathers timing.  In my kitchen hangs a plaque given to me by my dear friend Aubrey.  It's a quote by Jeffrey R. Holland that reads "Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven, but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."  I've been thinking a lot about that.  I used to really like Elder Scott's talk about how no righteous woman would be denied the blessings of Eternal Marriage, even if she had to wait until heaven.  I embraced the possibility, joking with my young women at one point that Captain Moroni was just waiting for me to join him.  I read through that talk the other day with the new perspective of my eternity with Allen and I just smiled to myself knowing that I have it here.  15 months ago I was totally sure that the promise of a husband for eternity would come to me after death.  This week I've really been focused on getting pictures from our wedding developed and framed in our house.  It makes me smile to look at the pictures and know that because we were sealed in the Temple we have literally forever.  What do people think in their wedding ceremonies when they hear "Til death do you part?"  I can't imagine!  Even though 6 months later I still have moments when being married feels surreal to me, I am so grateful for my loving husband.  I am so blessed.  Heavenly Father is aware of us.  He knows who we are and what we need and He provides.  Sometimes we have to be patient.  Sometimes we think we need something before he's prepared to give it to us, but He is aware and He blesses His children.  Today that is my testimony.

The New Normal

I've started four or five drafts in the last few months but they don't say what I want to say so I end up deleting them.  It's been nearly 5 months since the wedding and nearly 5 months since I updated the blog.  On the one hand life goes on as normal, on the other hand nothing is normal!!!!  Allen and I have had a great time getting settled.  We've learned each others patterns and we've learned what makes the other crazy and what makes the other happy, and I'm excited to continue getting to know my husband.  One thing I've learned is that my husband is successful at anything he wants to be successful at.  Right after the honeymoon, he started a job with Marketsource, selling cell phones at Target.  He works at the Riverdale store and he's wildly successful!! He's made a good amount of money and he goes to work daily loving what he does and the people he gets to work with.  It's rough because I go to work at 8 am and get off at 6 pm and he goes to work between 10 and 12 and gets off at 8.  He rides the bus, since it's pretty far from our house to Riverdale, which means he gets home about 9:45 every night.  It doesn't give us a huge lot of time together, but we are lucky to both have Sundays off.
It's amazing to me to look back over the last year and see all the changes that we have made.  We were barely starting dating last year at this time and now we're married and settling into our life together.  It's a big adjustment for my brain.  I look at my still single friends and just think to myself how quickly things can change.  A short 15 months ago I had reconciled with my single life and 12 months ago it abruptly changed! It's still rather surreal to me.  I look at my hand and see my ring and wonder when I'm going to wake up from the best dream I've ever had.  Then I am reminded that this is my life and I welcome the new normal.