Get Over It

Today marks the end of a ridiculously emotional weekend, that I can blame no one but myself for. I hope it also marks the end of these awesome personal blogs so that you and I can get back to funny things that happen in my life!! Oh well, at least my life isn't boring (haha)! As many of my readers know, I have been struggling with God's sense of humor and trying to figure it all out. I decided last night with the help of some friends and family, that I just needed to finally find out if seeing Tom in the temple meant something or if it was just pure dumb luck. I went back to the Salt Lake Temple on Saturday night, knowing full well that Tom would be there, just to test the waters. I still hadn't gotten an answer from the original question, as I was fairly distracted by seeing him, so I went back to ask again, and see if there was something different now that I was expecting seeing him. I did see and talk to him and it was enormously less awkward, so I sat in the Celestial Room for an hour or so, trying to be inspired. I didn't feel much and I wondered if I was asking the right question. I told my sis in law last night, that I wasn't sure if the question was about marriage in general or about Tom. Don't get me wrong...I wasn't sure if I even wanted to open that door again, but I didn't want to ignore a possible answer. I learned some other important things in the temple, though and Sunday was a continuation of worrying about it. Since I was still confused, I decided the best course of action would be to ask Tom if it meant anything. If you know me, you know that things like this scare me to death. I can have the conversation in my head, but write it down and push send?? That is just asking too much. I read back through my journal about our relationship and then decided to just bite the bullet. I wrote Tom an email describing why I had been in the temple in the first place and just why seeing him there 2 weeks ago rattled me so much. I asked him if he thought that timing had anything to do with it and went out there heart and soul exposed and ready to be destroyed. I woke up this morning and checked my email and sure enough there was a reply that basically thanked me for being honest, but also telling me that he didn't feel like going back was a good idea. I felt disappointedly relieved. One part of me thinks that it would be easy to pick up where we left off, but the sane part of me realizes that there is no way to pick up 6 years ago, and dust it off and end up with a different result. Tom and I have both changed and I know I'm not the same person so I can't expect that he is either. At the same time, it was really awesome to get some real closure on a relationship that ended badly so long ago. Tonight when I got off work, I read again through the journal that I kept during the time before, during, and after Tom and then decided it was time to put the journal back on the shelf and just get over it. Today I am not sorry I saw Tom in the temple and I feel better about him than I have in years. There is a really good chance I'll go back to the Salt Lake Temple and appreciate knowing that I am still waiting for the answer to the original question. At the end of Tom's email he said he felt that Heavenly Father has something for both of us that is perfectly suited to what we need... and I believe him.

Where is my Camera??

Have you ever had one of those picture perfect moments and of course no camera? Today I was at work, preparing for my audit. The audit is where my boss comes in and checks cleanliness and service times and pretty much does a floor to ceiling check on operations and what is happening in the restaurant. It's like a four hour process that causes a lot of nail biting for me and a lot of nitpicking for him. In light of that, I was trying to get the floor in my walk-in refrigerator clean. The walk-in itself is about 12 feet long and around 8 feet across. It has a U shaped shelf covering three of the four walls with the door in the fourth one. The shelf can move slightly, (if your strong enough to move something covered in product) toward the door but that's about it. The shelf itself is 3-4 feet wide and is HEAVY!! I was trying to clean the part of the floor against the walls. The shelf is only about 6 inches off the ground so it's really hard to get a deck brush (a scrub brush on a handle) in there. I conceded that the only way I would be able to do it was to lie down on the floor, on my stomach, and stretch as far as my arms would go with a scrubby pad and some heavy duty degreaser. This is the part where the camera would have been fun. There I am sprawled on the floor, reaching my arms as far as they can go; trying with all my might to get the stupid cheese out of the corners of the walk-in!! Actually as I think about this, maybe I'm glad I didn't have the camera... I mean, do I really want a picture of me spread eagle on the floor going around the internet? I'm sure all of your imaginations are already picturing this ridiculous scene. Ah well, that floor looks mighty good if I do say so myself!

Ha Ha... Very Funny!

Every so often, I consider to myself that God has a pretty awesome sense of humor. I mean seriously... have you seen a duck billed platypus... a giraffe... a tapir?

Today I went to the temple. It has been entirely too long since my last visit and I have been meaning to go for weeks, it's just something always comes up on the one day I can actually go. I decided yesterday that I was going to go today no matter what got in the way. I got off work at 3 and had decided to go to the Salt Lake Temple so I could see the flowers on Temple Square and also see the Joseph Smith movie at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. I decided to ride the Front Runner, so I didn't have to deal with traffic and things were working out wonderfully. I got to the JSMB just in time for the movie, then got into the temple in time to do initiatory and an endowment session.

I went to the temple with a question in my heart. At the risk of getting too personal, I have been wondering about the promises in my patriarchal blessing about marriage and I was seeking some inspiration in the marriage category. As I finished the session and walked into the Celestial Room, I saw a face that I haven't seen in almost 6 years... that of my ex fiance. I half hoped he didn't see me, or didn't recognize me, or that it wasn't really him. I half hoped that he did see me, did recognize me, and felt really bad that he gave me up all those years ago... a girl can dream. He did see me, did recognize me, and practically chased me down. Okay maybe not true, but he did come after me as I left the Celestial Room and we talked for a few minutes. What do you say to someone who broke your heart 6 years ago, that you still think about every now and then? What do you say to someone, who at the moment when you're trying to gain inspiration about whether marriage is in your cards, makes you wonder what life would have been like, if you'd just met him 6 years later? What do you say to someone you haven't talked to in forever, haven't talked about with your common friends, but know enough about to strive to avoid anywhere he might be? What do you say to that one guy who you loved more than some silly school girl crush, and who had the power to make you cry about it for months? The crazy part is when I was walking into the temple, I was thinking..."Tom lives in Salt Lake. What if he's here tonight?" Why can't I just forget?

Isn't God funny?? I'm sitting here, 3 hours later, still kind of freaked out. Is it simple coincidence? Is there something more? If there is, is it somewhere I want to go? Am I being ridiculous? Probably so, but in the meantime, I think I'll do my next few temple sessions at the Bountiful Temple. I don't think I've dated anyone who works there.

Moms

Forgive me a moment, as I have a feeling that this blog post will be somewhat long and personal. My grandpa told me today that I haven't blogged in more than a week and I told him I'd get something on here. Today my family met at my moms house for a Mother's Day party complete with a potluck "breakfast for dinner" menu. We had oven omelet, blueberry coffee cake, pink pancakes, fruit, bacon, sausage, and juice and ate it all at 5:00 pm! It was fantastic and we all wondered why we don't have breakfast for dinner more often. Sitting there surrounded by 3 generations of Moms, I was feeling very grateful. Today at church while I watched my favorite moms, I was feeling very grateful.
When I was a little girl, if someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up the answer was a lawyer. When I was sixteen, I wanted to be principal flutist in the Utah Symphony. By age eighteen, it occurred to me that there were a lot of flutists in the world better than me, so I went back to wanting to be a lawyer. When I came home from my mission, law school was something I thought about, but what I really wanted to be was a mom, and I didn't feel like I could be a successful lawyer and a successful mom. Perhaps if I had known I would be 31 without kids I might have done that lawyer thing. I have no real regrets. I have several friends that are lawyers and I don't envy them at all and in all reality I really do enjoy my job. I do however wonder sometimes if the mom thing will happen for me. One could argue, according to Sheri Dew (also not a mother) all women are mothers to someone. She wrote a talk entitled "Are we not all Mothers" and while I hesitate to argue with her, it's not the same thing. A few weeks ago we had a Young Men/Young Women activity set up like speed dating. We sat across the table from each other and asked questions to get to know each other better. One of the counselors in the bishopric asked me what I want to be when I grow up and I told him a mom. I said it with a catch in my throat and felt sad as I considered the possibility of yet another childhood dream not being realized.
At the same time, however, I watch all these great moms in my life, and have to take a second to thank them all for letting me have a piece of their children. There are so many fantastic mothers in my ward and I'd like to do a moment of shout out to them. My friend Abby has three kids. The youngest is almost seven months old and I call him my boyfriend. He's possibly the cutest boyfriend any girl could ask for, and I appreciate it when Abby tells Thomas things like, "look, there's your girlfriend." Today in church Abby shared Thomas with me and I held him for part of Sacrament Meeting and all of Young Women's. So thanks Abby... thanks for letting me be a mom for an hour today. Holly is another mother in my ward who not only shares her children, but really her whole family and a lot of family time. I've been invited to dinner, FHE, Conference breakfast, and family movie night with her family. It's really great to have a family that takes you in and makes you feel like a really cool aunt. My blogging bud, Nicole, is a great mom. I've never met her or her children, but I can tell by the nature of her blogs how fabulous she really is, and I am so grateful that I get to share in their lives through both of her blogs. My friend Hayley (I hope I spelled that right) is a new mom. She is 17 weeks pregnant and comes into my work every so often and shares moments with me. I keep telling her we need to get together outside of work, and then maybe I can be an honorary aunt to her baby as well. My sister in law Nicole, is another great mom. My brother just graduated from BYU and got a job in Arizona, so they'll be moving soon. I try to see them once or twice a month so I can get my fill of the cutest kids in America before they live so far away that my only hope to see them will be on web cam. I appreciate when Todd and Nicole let me read Andrew his bedtime story and have those moments of parenthood that I don't get everyday. Of course my sisters and my other sister in law are fantastic moms along with so many others I don't have time to mention. My own mother is amazing. I'm pretty sure we both will agree that I was a horrible child and to be honest we didn't really have a great relationship until I was grown up. Luckily we've had a lot of opportunity to catch up on lost time and I really look forward to our monthly pedicure dinner dates and all the other things we are able to do. We are both pretty busy at work but I really love the nights when I call and we just chat. I love my mom! When tomorrow comes my day of regret will be over, and I will be able to continue on sharing all of your children. So thanks for letting me be a "surrogate" for moments at a time and Happy Mother's Day!

Just wanted to share

I measured myself last Sunday and finally today got around to adding it up. I was scared to measure, because I haven't done that great a job with the whole eating plan lately. I need to recommit, but today when I added up the inches lost it equaled (insert drum roll here)
10.25 inches!!!
I'm kinda proud o' myself...
Just wanted to share!