November 10

Today I am grateful for weekends!!!!!  It's been a seriously long week.  When I made the decision to go to the temple everyday this week, it didn't occur to me how difficult that would be.  I've been so blessed to be able to spend a few hours of the last five days in the temple, but it's hard work to get dressed up and drive up and rearrange my schedule to make it work.  Today as I sat for an extra long time in the Celestial Room, because I had "nothing better to do" I was thinking about how drained I am.  Almost immediately the thought came into my head "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."  I smiled to myself, as tears came to my eyes, because it has been 100% worth it.  It's the best gift I could have given myself.  Now that I'm done, I am going to curl up on my couch under my new blanket and just enjoy the nothingness for a minute, because that's about all I have!!  Happy Weekend!

November 9

Today I am grateful for friendly happy people.  It's been kind of a weird day.  It's been snowing since about 7 this morning. Snow at Arctic Circle means that a lot of people don't roll down their windows all the way and it's really hard to hear them, and then when they pay they roll up their windows, so you're standing at the window waiting for them to notice their change or credit card, and then they act surprised to see you standing there... I love snow days!!  Anyway I had to work a 12 hour shift today and I started at 6:30 this morning at the temple so it was a long day.  About 40 minutes before I got off, I had pulled a car up so I could get a cone out to the car behind them and when I ran the food out after a few minutes, they thanked me sincerely and wished me a good night.  That happens quite often, but for some reason this time it touched my heart.  After so many people who were somewhat difficult to work with it was nice to be sincerely thanked.  It was nice to know that they were grateful to me for coming out in the snow... at least that's how I took it.  Sometimes I feel like I work in a thankless job.  It's almost as if people in the drive thru treat me like I'm somehow less intelligent than they are or that what I do for them is somehow below recognition, like it's expected somehow.  I appreciate people who recognize me as an intelligent human being and are sincerely thankful for what I do.  Those people are few and far between and they make me grateful.

November 8

Last night at 11 my grandpa Piercy passed away.  Today I am grateful for eternal families.  My grandpa was almost 90 years old.  He's been sick for several years.  He's been unhappy about being alive for a really long time, so in reality it's a serious blessing.  When my mom called to tell me today I was in the temple, and so didn't get the message for a while.  I reflected for a few minutes on the fact that I had made myself unavailable to find out such important news, but really, I was in the temple helping someone named Vilie Grace Slingerland receive her opportunity to be with her family forever and I just felt really grateful.  The plan of salvation is real and it is our blessing and opportunity to get everyone involved!  I've thought a lot about my grandpa today and I've tried to feel the emotion of the news.  I'm not sad, I'm not upset, I don't feel like I wished we had had more time.  I mostly felt grateful that Grandpa got his wish.  I felt grateful that he's free from pain and hurt.  Grandpa wouldn't want me to be sad for him.  He's home.  And we're an eternal family so he's waiting for the rest of us.  That just makes me really grateful.

November 7

Today I am grateful for the temple.  It's our Stake Temple week and our leaders encouraged us to go as often as possible.  I went last night and again tonight and it's such an amazing place to be.  As the election raged and opinions rage and facebook is loaded with comments on what is happening to America, it's nice to  sit quietly in a place where I know that God is in charge of this whole crazy mess and that in the end His will will be done.  It's nice to go and hear someone pray for the leaders of nations and have faith that that prayer will be answered.  It's nice to walk away from life and sit in a beautiful room and remember that God loves me and that this is the promised land to those who live righteously.  I am seriously so blessed!!

November 6

Today I am grateful for my crock pot.  I put breakfast in it last night and woke up to a delicious sausage hash brown egg casserole and now I'm attempting a crock pot lasagna.  It's so great to put food in and forget about it and come back to yumminess!!

November 5

Today I am grateful for my Mom.  It's her birthday today and we didn't do a whole lot of celebration this year, but I am super grateful for the influence she is in my life.  She is a fun grandma, loves to take pictures of flowers and nature in general and has taught me to love it as well.  We haven't always been on the same page. I was a pretty bratty kid, teenager, young adult, older adult... Anyway, my mom has stuck by me even when she didn't really like me and now we have a great relationship.  I count her among my best friends.  So Happy Birthday Mom.  I love you!!

November 4

Today  I am grateful for the Sabbath!!  I didn't have to get up early this morning.  I don't have to "Do" anything except get ready for church and go.  I work a 6 day work week.  It's so nice to wake up at my own leisure and then make the decision to do nothing for a few hours.  I read blogs, play on Pinterest, and don't feel guilty for not doing something "I'm supposed to be doing."  So today I'm grateful for the one day a week that no expects anything from me.

November 3

See it's only the 3rd and I've already missed a day, so I guess I'll write two things I'm grateful for today and we'll hope I can stay on this better.  Today I am grateful for autumn.  I walked outside today and it was crisp and clear and there was just a hint of the color left on the leaves.  It's hoodie weather and I love it.  I am also grateful for memories.  That one sounds funny so let me explain.  Yesterday I was going through some old stuff deciding if I needed to keep it or just get rid of it. As I was going through the boxes I was thinking about where the stuff came from and who gave it to me and as I looked through pictures, and wondered who those people from my mission were, I was really grateful that God gives us memories.  There's a whole lot of stuff I don't remember, but the things I can remember have given my life a lot of happiness, and so today I can smile at the memory.

November 1

I committed to this gratitude posting 4 days ago and now that it's time I'm doing it grudgingly... doesn't that sound grateful!!!
I've been pretty emotional all day long.  Blame hormones or my super late night at work doing month end last night, but little things are setting me off today.  Today I am grateful for friends.  I've been sitting on my couch wallowing in self pity and I've received like 50 text messages tonight.  Random requests, a chat, and one friend who just sends me random lines from Reba episodes.  It's made me feel rather loved on a melancholy day, so to those who I call friends... I am grateful.

Totally cheesy picture, but it works!!

Blog? I have a blog?

You know that point in your life when you go to your blog and look at the date of your last post and think, "No surely it hasn't been that long!!"  Time is FLYING!!  I can't believe we're all the way to the end of October.  Didn't I just start May??  I need to remember to update this thing more often.  One of the reasons I have for not updating, is that the computer is all the way in the other room and I can do most of my other online stuff from the tablet, so I forget to check back with my computer and thus my blog gets ignored.  Sorry little blog!!  I'll try to keep up on writing!!

This month has flown by.  October 4th I had the privileged opportunity to go to the temple when Aubrey received her endowment and then on October 23rd we went back together.  It is such a great thing that we are both temple worthy and that we have this thing we can share!!  I'm just so proud of her for making the necessary changes in her life and being able to receive the blessings of the temple.  Her countenance is bright and she reflects such a spirit!  Aubrey has been one of my favorite people for a lot of years, but she's different now... in a good way, obviously.  It's been such a treat to be on the journey with her, although sitting in the Celestial Room in the Salt Lake Temple last week, we both agreed that we were no where near finished with our journey.  We both have a lot to work on!!

On October 5th my parents moved from the house I essentially grew up in to move into one that is much smaller and a bit closer to me.  It only takes me 19 minutes to drive there instead of 25.  It's in Murray and it's small and perfect and I really like it.  I joke with them that I'm going to buy it from them when they're too old to keep up on the payments and then I'll have a house of my own.  It's super cute with just two bedrooms and a loft!!  I like it a lot.  In the meantime, I've spent a lot of time helping my mom pick out furniture and put things away and find storage places for all the stuff they didn't get rid of.  It's a lot smaller than the old house, so the cleaning out took some serious time, a dumpster, and a hundred trips to the DI.  I told them it was a good thing they were going through things now, so we didn't have to declutter as much when they die.

On October 11, (10-11-12) a friend of mine gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Olivia and I am so happy for her and her family!!  She is so adorable and I can't wait to meet her in person (they live in Idaho Falls).  It's such a fun thing to welcome new little spirits into this world.  I'm so thrilled for her blessed parents.

I'm trying to continue on the Dave Ramsey plan of getting out of debt and I'm down to 23 months and counting of being debt free!!  It feels so great to have a pay off date.  It's still a long way off, but not as far off as it was before I found the Dave Ramsey plan.  I helped a friend at work get started on it too, and it felt really good to share it with her.

I've decided that I'm going to do the grateful posts for November.  I need an overhaul and I think being more grateful will help, so I'm going to really focus on blogging my gratitude everyday.  Hopefully now that I've written that I'll really do it.  I've thought about doing it as a photography blog, but I'm not committing to that yet!!  We'll see if I remember to pull the camera out enough!!  Well I guess that's enough random for one Sunday night.  Until November 1st!!!

She's Alive!!! With some great news!

I've been sick for 12 days.  That is my life!!  Today I can almost breathe and I only cough when I try to sing... if you know me, that's a lot.  I skipped church last week because I had to work all week and Sunday was my only "day off".  I had to find someone to substitute choir director and unfortunately I wasn't able to find anyone to sit in my Sunday School Class, so I forced my co-teacher to break the rules (Sorry Kari!).  It's been tough for me who rarely gets sick to succumb to the snot, sore throat, gut wrenching cough, and overall feeling nasty.  I have been living on Dayquil by day and Nyquil by night, tissues in every room in my house and in my office at work, and sore throat lozenges the first hour and cough drops the second.  It's been horrible.  Today I had to teach Sunday School and the choir was singing in Sacrament Meeting, so God blessed me enough to feel good enough to magnify my callings... except for the cough when I tried to sing.  Here's hoping He sees fit to let me feel good tomorrow, because I'm sick of being sick and it's really hard to do my job when I feel icky!
My house is suffering.  My kitchen had a week worth of soup dishes and glasses and some other things when I was pretending I didn't feel bad and I sort of cooked.  I finally got that cleaned a few minutes ago and I'm blogging instead of folding laundry.  I really should take advantage of this almost feeling normal and get everything done, but I have been noticing when I check other people's blogs, how far down I am on the list.  Isn't that sad?? I base my self worth on how many blogs are above mine on your friends list!!

 AND I have something so super exciting to report... My dear friend Aubrey and I have been on this perfectionish quest to make ourselves feel better about our lives.  It all started when I went to Stake Conference in May and Elder Shayne M. Bowen of the Seventy invited all of us to think of someone in our lives who needed rescuing.  Immediately Aubrey's name came to mind and I thought about our relationship.  We've known each other since sophomore year in high school... that's more than half my life.  We have been casual friends, going to dinner when it was convenient, hanging out, sharing problems, etc.  She was faithful and diligent when I was on my mission, and wrote me weekly, sent packages of treats, and generally helped support me as a missionary.  Why it had never occurred to me to relate to Aubrey on a spiritual level still makes me wonder, but because of some past stuff Aubrey has been struggling with her testimony for some time.  Without getting too personal, I felt in May that it was time to invite Aubrey to get her life in order and go through the temple. Now on the one hand, it may have been slightly selfish.  I want someone to go to the temple with me.  I want someone who can help me on my quest to perfection and someone who would support me as I supported her back.  I can't remember exactly how it came up, but since text messaging is the way we generally communicate, it was a text conversation that I brought it up in.  We talked about it and then we made a tentative plan.  We would choose things that we both needed to work on and start there.  We started with praying every night.  We then moved on to reading the Book of Mormon daily.  I made "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus" jars, that had things for us to do each week.  We draw one and we compare and talk about it.  One Sunday Aubrey faced a great fear and went to visit with her Bishop.  He gave her a recommend to do baptisms for the dead and said he'd talk to the Stake President about what she'd have to do to go receive her endowment.  One Sunday she faced another great fear and bore her testimony in church.  Week after week we supported each other.  We went to Deseret Book and bought Emily Freeman's new book Becoming His.  It's a guide to discipleship.  The road has been long and hard and we've both struggled; though luckily we usually struggle at different times, so the other one can be supportive and encourage.  Last week Aubrey met with her Bishop and Stake President and left the recipient of a temple recommend that will allow her to enter the House of the Lord and receive her endowment.  She texted me just the other day and told me to set aside October 4.  Later she sent me a message that said, "If you had asked me a year ago if I would be going through the temple now I would have said you were crazy."  I honestly have to say that what began as a challenge for me to help Aubrey has turned much more selfish than I ever imagined.  Everything that I have done to help her has been returned to me exponentially.  I can no longer call Aubrey a casual friend.  She is someone who has helped me so much become what I am today that I am honored that we were allowed to meet.  The person whose name came to mind one morning in May has through no fault of her own become my best friend because she truly is the person who knows so many of my weaknesses and loves me anyway.  I am grateful for her and for this amazing experience.  I'm so happy that she will soon have the eternal blessings of the temple.  Our next goal is to find perfection seeking twins, because then we'll be sisters!!!  Wish us luck!!

Technologically Advanced

So I won a tablet at a work party!  Can I just say how cool this is?  I feel super cool having joined the world of Apps.  I never wanted a smart phone but a free tablet... yes please!

Losing My Balance

The other day I had a few minutes to spare before meeting a friend for dinner so I ran into the library to see if I could find anything to help with my quest to perfection, and also to see if they had any fun piano music.  I found a book by Emily Watts called Confessions of an Unbalanced Woman.  It was a talk she gave at a Time Out for Women.  I love Emily Watts.  She has a great way of teaching principles and also keeping it light, fun, and real.  She is a real person, striving to do the right thing.  Because it's a talk it's a really quick read and after I got home from dinner I stood in  my kitchen and started.  She talks about finding the lack of balance in her life over a load of laundry.  Socks, specifically.  She spent a ton of time sorting socks, only to find out later that she was still getting mismatched socks and it was causing such frustration, her husband suggested that she make the kids do their own laundry so they'd have to sort their own socks.  They began to teach their children at a pretty young age to do laundry, and they always started with towels, because it mattered less with towels if you got a red one in with the others.  One day she heard an awful sound and went down to the laundry room to investigate.  The high capacity washer was stuffed with towels, and had become unbalanced.  She says if you consistently wash fourteen towels in a machine that is designed to hold ten you will eventually break your machine.  She then took that as a metaphor for her own life.  She says, "I am a fourteen-towel woman in a ten-towel capacity life.  No wonder I feel so out of balance!  I have lots to do and all of it is good and worthwhile and important, but I simply can't do it all at once.  How can I balance everything?  This became the object of a serious quest for me."  She tried a few things:  Time management, which was fine when every day worked out, but most didn't. Finding her answer in the scriptures: didn't find much about balance there.  Then one day she was watching the movie The Ten Commandments and found the answer she'd been looking for... and ultimately the answer I've been looking for.  She says,"There is a scene where Pharoah is mad because Moses doesn't come to his birthday party and Ramses decides to try and get his rival in trouble by charioting down personally with Pharoah so they can see firsthand what is going on.  Moses is overseeing the building of a city, and his work site overlooks this immense valley filled with thousands of Hebrew slaves.  On the table is one of those scales with two sides and Ramses begins to use the scale as a tool to illustrate the gravity of his accusations against Moses.  He feeds the slaves with temple grain, Ramses says plinking down a little weight on one side of the scale.  He gives them one day in seven to rest, another weight, another plink, and the scale tips further to that side.  It goes like this for awhile and Moses just watches.  When Ramses is finished making his accusations, Moses picks up a brick from the table and says: 'A city is made of bricks, the strong make many; the weak make few; and the dead make none.'

And then he drops the brick on the other side of the scale, and all the little weights of Ramses accusations go flying.  There is no way they can compete.  Emily Watts continues, "In that moment it came to me in a flash- I don't want balance.  What I want is the brick!  I want to find the one thing in my life that, if I get that right, it doesn't matter what the world throws onto the other side of the scale.  It won't make any difference at all.  The love of God, the love of Christ- their love for us, and our love for them- that love is the brick, and when the brick is in place, everything else works out all right."
I have been struggling, trying to do so much, trying to do nothing... this never ending quest for something so elusive that I can't figure out how to get it.  And right here in my hand is this tiny little book with the answer so clear to me.  I need to find and feel God's love.  I need to realize that the mercy of Jesus Christ is real and that it is for me.  I need to stop trying so hard to get where I want that I get nowhere.  I just need to wake up every morning and try all day to choose the right, and then before I go to bed I need to evaluate where I am and pledge to do better tomorrow.  I need to pray and read the scriptures and fast and let the love of God work in my life.  I just need to "desire to believe and let the desire work in me".  I need to feel love, not guilt. I need to do everything I can to "be the kind of person that I know I'd like to be".
My life is full of 30 second conversion moments.  Things that I commit to and then I turn around and forget them.  I think I'm going to start using this blog as an outlet for those.  I'm going to write them down and depend on my faithful reader to keep me going.  I'm going to do my best to feel God's love and do the things that I am inspired to do.  I'm going to buy a brick and keep it in an obvious place in my house to remind me that all I need is the brick.  And then I'm going to believe.

Frustration

It's been a really long time since I posted and I'm not sure much has changed.  I stopped trying to be perfect and just stopped trying all together.  I decided chilling out was what I needed and then lost focus all together!  I need to find some balance!  It's been really hard to come to terms with who I am turning into so I shut down completely.  I have zero motivation for much of anything, so here I am going through the motions.  I don't know why it seems to be all or none for me, but that is what I feel like I'm doing.  I don't know when I lost complete focus.  I found this pillow on pinterest the other day that says "I never finish anyth".  I laughed a lot because it's true!!  My friend Aubrey and I have been on this striving to do one thing at a time to be better today than we were yesterday and she's doing great!!  I wish I had some motivation to do it too.  Two weeks ago I helped clean out my grandparents house and brought a bunch of stuff home and now it's in the living room because I don't know where to put it, so even my house is out of sorts.  I need to start over!  On the bright side, my mom decided she didn't want her piano anymore, so now it's at my house.  One more thing to occupy my time... Oh well.  Someday I'll be the person I want to be,  just as soon as I can figure out who that is.

Be still... and know that I am God

I have been seriously struggling lately.  I am so unhappy with everything in my life and I can't seem to get myself out of the thick of thin things and up where I can see the Light.  Today as I was studying my Sunday School lesson on the importance of Patriarchal blessings I had a small epiphany.  I need to chill out!!  I have been trying to run in 47 different directions and figure out all the answers to life's questions today.  I have been trying to simultaneously figure out how to get my spiritual, physical, financial, and emotional life into a place where I feel comfortable and all the while making myself totally uncomfortable.  I have been fighting with my budget, trying to figure out how to cut back enough to get out of debt.  I have been fighting with my diet trying to figure out how to go all or none.  I have been fighting with myself to get back on track with scripture study and prayer and do all the stuff "I'm supposed to".  I have been fighting with my heart, to help me find happiness!  Today I QUIT!!!  I refuse to continue these fights!!  I have decided that I need to be "content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me."  Not that I'm going to give up my quest to be debt free, lose weight, or strive to be the kind of person spiritually that I want and need to be.  I'm not going to give up on it.  I'm just going to take it slower.  I'm going to try to find joy in the every day.  I'm going to start counting my blessings and stop counting all the things that make me feel guilty.  I joined billionclicks.org yesterday.  It's a website started by singer/songwriter Hilary Weeks to try to get everyone to think positively and count their positive thoughts by using a clicker.  I'm going to get me a clicker and count my positive thoughts and actions.  Her whole premise is that by individuals thinking more positively we can change the world.  I encourage you to join.  Start today by counting your positive thoughts and actions and help me change the world.  Today I choose to be grateful for my myriad of blessings and the great things that make up my life.  Today I am choosing to smile and to eat what I choose without feeling like I'm a failure.  Today I choose to revisit my budget and stop letting it stress me out. Today I choose to read my scriptures and just let the peace of the Spirit flow through me.  Today I choose to CHILL!!

Hee Hee

Nature

I've been thinking a lot about taking time out to stop and "smell the roses".  It seems like I don't appreciate outside as much as I should, so this last weekend I decided to take the photo opportunity.  I went with my Mom and Aunt and Grandma to California for my cousin Leah's wedding.  The following five pictures were taken as we were hustling down the freeway.  Mom was driving and I was seeing how well my camera did at 65 MPH through the car window.  Not half bad if you ask me.  The clouds were AWESOME!!

 We drove past this rainbow and then another one appeared (below) and we drove past it too!  It was a really cool thing to see!

 On Monday Mom and I ventured to Thanksgiving Point for the Tulip Festival!!  I love it!  These pictures were all from that and my amateur hand.  I decided when the subject of your pictures isn't running or whining, it's pretty easy to make your pictures look good.

Happy Spring!!

This is one of those posts that happens because you feel like you should update something, but you're not really sure where it might go.  I feel like I haven't written in a really long time and I just need to catch up.  Sometimes I think this blog might be the only personal history I have so I should keep it somewhat updated!  Life is actually pretty good right now and overall I'm a pretty happy girl.  I started focusing a lot of my energy on physical, financial, and spiritual well being and it's amazing to me how well it's going.  I was introduced to the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover by my cousin Hailee and I've learned a lot about all the things I've been doing wrong.  It kind of sucks when you realize you have a huge hole to dig yourself out of, money wise, but on the other hand, it's nice when you realize that in 2 1/2 short years you can be totally debt free and on your way to financial freedom.  A year ago if someone told me I would be able to pay off all my debt in a few years I would have laughed, but when you practice proper principles the impossible becomes possible.  As for the physical well being... well let's just say it's slow going.  I'll do really well eating right for like a week and then something throws a wrench in the plan, like a 65 hour work week.  If I could convince my body that french fries and corn dogs are disgusting, this would be a lot easier.  It's so hard for me not to eat at work.  I just need some self discipline... anyone know where I can buy that??  I also need to exercise more.  It's so hard to be good!!  Spiritually I struggled for about 3 weeks before I remembered that if I remember to pray and read my scriptures my life is better and easier!  I started again Monday and my goodness, it's miraculous!!  Living by correct principles works!  Who knew!!  Anyway, that's about it... till next time faithful reader!

The path to Discipleship

I was playing around on facebook and saw this link.  It was just what I needed to hear today.  Hope you enjoy!

My favorite part is when the girl says, "I think being reconverted is consciously making choices every day that will lead you in the path you want to be in."  It sums up what I've been trying to do the last few months.  

Catching Up

I thought it was time to post a little something to catch up on the goings on in my life.  On January 26, my grandpa passed away.  He was the first of my four grandparents to go and while it was "fun" to see the relatives that came for the funeral, it's hard to have to see them for funerals.  I went to see my Grandma the other day and I asked how she was doing and she said she was lonely.  I felt sorry for her.  They had been married almost 62 years!  That's a long time to live with someone and then to have to adjust to the big quiet house has got to be difficult.  At the cemetery, after the service was over, my brother and sister in law and I sang Families Can Be Together Forever.  It was kind of my grandpa's theme song.  It is definitely his goal.  The night of the viewing my uncle read us a letter that Grandpa had written, talking about how he was glad he was going first, so he could get our mansion ready!!  It makes me happy to think of my grandpa in heaven wielding a hammer, building us a mansion that we can all live in together!  This is the first time in my life, that I saw the blessing in the death of a loved one and I felt that the Atonement took all the pain out of him dying.  I struggle a lot with death when I feel it's too soon but Grandpa lived a long life and at the end was really suffering, so I'm glad that he is now pain free.  It is a little strange going to their house and him not being there, but I think that time will heal that for me.
In other news, I am pretty much the same boring person!!  I am still struggling with what I might say on a dating site that might make me attractive to all those singles out there.  I told my cousin Hailee that I have this desire to be brutally honest.  If I was going to be honest, I would write things like, "Sometimes I get angry and I yell.  Sometimes I go to bed without brushing my teeth.  Sometimes I go a whole month without shaving my legs."  How many men do you think will be interested after I reveal all that!!!  Probably not the ones I want.  She told me that it was probably important to be honest, but I should be sure to let him know that I wasn't perfect but I was at least trying.  I think that's probably a good idea.  Maybe I should try harder to not lose my temper, brush my teeth and shave my legs!!  That might make me more desirable!!  Anyway at the end of the day, I'm a happy girl so I guess I can't complain too much!!!  Life is good!

Because I Haven't Been Brave

 The other night I was very sick.  I came home from work early and slept for about 3 hours then got up, showered, and turned on a movie.  I chose You've Got Mail.  It's one of those fun romantic comedies with a predictable ending where boy meets girl and after some struggle, they live happily ever after.  I was sitting there watching when Kathleen, Meg Ryan's character, said this line:
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, valuable, but small. . And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around?"  
It struck me because I feel exactly the same way.  And sadly, I have discovered that the answer to the first question is that I lead a small life because I haven't been brave.  I have an acquaintance who I like to blog stalk.  She is a girl I know from high school, but we aren't really great friends.  Not because I wouldn't like to be.  Maybe we're just too busy to be anything but facebook friends, but I read her blog faithfully.  She hasn't had an easy life.  She has struggles like anyone, maybe even more than anyone, but the way she's come out of her refiners fire makes me envious.  I want the clarity she has.  Maybe I'm required to go through a refiner's fire that I haven't been through yet to get that kind of clarity.   Maybe I don't desperately want it because I'm not willing to pay the price, but her testimony of the role of her Savior in her life is something to envy.  Last  year I began a reformation of sorts trying to get myself into a position I was comfortable with.  I began to question things I've always done in an effort to get closer to my Father in Heaven.  I got rid of a whole bunch of inappropriate (in my eyes) movies and started reading some amazing church books all in this effort to become a better person and here somewhere in the middle of that, I'm losing focus.  I'm losing sight of what I gave it all up for.  I struggle daily with the Sunday School answers (prayer, scripture study) when I desire a close personal relationship with my Savior.  It's like I have the equation backwards.  I want the blessings without the sacrifice and therefore I lead a small life and I do so because I am not brave.  I do so because I am trying to find the answers in all the wrong places.  If I was going to be brutally honest with myself (and in turn with all you loyal blog readers) my future frightens me.  I have this desire to find that one single person who completes me, but truth be told, I have absolutely no idea how to go about that, that isn't scary.  I have wandered onto dating websites, but even filling out my profile terrifies the snot out of me.  I have no idea what to write.  I have no idea what person I am representing and that is ridiculous to me.  How do I not know how to answer the question "Tell me about yourself"?    And so like Kathleen in You've Got Mail, "I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.”

Happy Grateful

Today at work I had an aha moment that both hurt me and made me smile.  A girl came in.  She was wearing this adorable winter hat with earmuffs and was probably in her mid teens.  She was with a middle aged woman and as they came in, I noticed the younger girl's smile.  She came abruptly up to the counter and proceeded to pour out a dollar bill and a bunch of change.  I was busy helping some other people, but I heard some of the conversation.  She was counting the money out loud and looking at the menu board.  She had $2.36.  She was trying to explain to the older woman how much money they had and the older woman kept saying she wanted a hamburger and a fry.  The young girl (I found out later her name was Christina) told the woman (I don't know if it was her mother or grandmother, but I assumed it was her guardian whichever) that they couldn't afford that.  She kept asking me how much something would cost.  I told her I had country chicken sandwiches on special and they would be able to afford 2 of those, but the older lady kept saying how she didn't want a chicken sandwich; she wanted a hamburger and fries.  My first thought was how ungrateful this woman was and Christina was ever patient trying to get something that would make her happy.  Looking back on the whole exchange, I wish I would have just given it to them, on a coupon which they didn't have, and taken the loss, but I didn't.  Finally Christina ordered a country chicken sandwich and paid for it.  She then counted out the rest of the money and I pitched in 12 cents so she could afford to buy the older woman a hamburger.  She smiled even bigger and told me I was nice.  As they went to sit down, Christina's smile never faltered.  After they had eaten, she came up to get courtesy cones and then merrily wished me a good night and walked out the door, smile in place.  I turned to Morgan, the girl I was working with, and told her that Christina probably had a really hard life.  She said that she noticed too, how grown up Christina was acting and how she was obviously the "grown up" in the relationship and how sad it was that kids had to be adults so early in life.  The whole scenario really hurt me emotionally.  I wonder what she has to go home to, if she has a home to go home to.  I was awed and amazed by her attitude.  She had $2.36 to her name, and came into Arctic Circle for a nice dinner out.  She was so happy and cheerful about everything and a part of me envied her.  I have money in the bank, a nice place to come home to, a wonderful family, amazing friends, and everything I need and I'm not that cheerful.  It was definitely eye opening and I told Morgan that I was a horrible ungrateful person.  If I learned nothing else from Christina, it is that I am so enormously blessed and I need to do more to help others.  I had money in my back pocket that I had pulled out of the bank for a pedicure.  I wish I had given it to her.  I wish I had been less annoyed by her insistent questions about how much things cost.  I wish I could change the fate of that poor little girl, who never got the chance (I imagine from the exchange) to be little.  Today I weep a little for that poor little girl, and vow to be a little more grateful and a lot more cheerful.

Merry Christmas

The Christmas Spirit

The older and busier I get, the harder I search for ways to feel the Christmas Spirit and the more abundantly I fail.  This year has been no exception.  I always try to find ways to keep traditions alive and motivate myself to remember what Christmas is all about and more and more I feel like I'm not getting it somehow.  This year, I am frustrated by the fact that Christmas is on Sunday for several reasons.  One is that I won't get my extra day off work, because we're already closed on Sundays.  The other one is trying to put a brief Sacrament meeting in the middle of commercial merriment has me twitching.  I know that Jesus is the point.  I know that we are celebrating Him and what better way to do so than partaking of His sacrament and remembering Him through song and word.  On the other hand though, I struggle with not being able to go to my Sacrament meeting and my parents (one of my favorite traditions) because they are at the same time, and I really want to enjoy Christmas breakfast without having to get dressed up and run off to 45 minutes of church.  I AM A WHINER!!!  Today in Sunday school we had a brief Christmas program that started me off thinking how ungrateful I am and then an afternoon filled with remembrances as I sat alone in my apartment watching Mr. Krueger's Christmas, Nora's Christmas Gift, and The Forgotten Carols.  The last one hit me like a ton in the stomach and I felt myself tearing up as Jeff McLean belted out the immortal words "Let Him In."  If I am struggling with the Christmas Spirit, it is because I have forgotten the whole point.  As the play continued (and please understand I have seen this play probably a hundred times), I found myself crying at the small things.  The Shepherd's testimony that "He was here!"  The amazing spirit behind, "I cannot find my way." And my all time favorite, "Arise and Shine Forth."  These may be the forgotten carols, but for me they are the ones that find a way into my heart and make it possible for me to remember the Christmas Spirit.

Still here

It's been ages since I posted and I just wanted to say I'm still here.  Things are crazy and I'm still trying to wrap my head around most of it, but I just wanted all you loyal readers to know that I'm still alive.  I'm trying to think of something fun I can do for December so stay tuned...

New Calling

Today I got a new church calling.  I have been called to teach the 12 and 13 year old Sunday School class.  I think they didn't want me to feel too bad about leaving young women's because 3 or 4 of my young women are in there!!  I also get a few of the young men, and I have a co-teacher so I don't have to teach every week.  The curriculum is The Presidents of the Church and I'm pretty excited!!  I think it will be a fun experience and I really do enjoy teaching.  Wish me luck as I strive to learn more about our prophets!!

"My heart is full; mine eyes are wet"

Last night I received a surprising phone call.  I was told by the second counselor in the bishopric that I was being released from my calling as second counselor in the Young Women's presidency.  I knew that it was looming.  Our President has been in nearly four years and we all knew her days were numbered, and as things work in the church, that meant our release as well, but I still was surprised.  When I hung up the phone, feeling a little cheated, because I didn't get a say; I also felt a strange sense of accomplishment.  We were allowed to finish the Temple Walk and really that was my only assignment as second counselor.  I was only in that calling a couple of months even though I've been in Young Women's for more than 2 years.  It's a little bit bitter, knowing that these Young Women that I have loved for so long will continue their journey without me.  I know they are in good hands.  The new president is the former secretary and I just love her, and know she will do a fantastic job and carry on everything that was good about the old presidency.  So today, I took my place in the back row with the other leaders for the last time.  I'm still in the ward.  I'll still have association with these amazing women, but it's a little bit difficult to walk away from the best calling in the church.  The Bishop promised me that I wouldn't be bored for long, and now I'm anxious to see what the Lord has in mind for me next.  So here I leave my last memory of my best calling:

General Conference

I have sat through many a General Conference, and many a General Conference has touched my heart and soul, but none like this weekend.  I'm so grateful for Living Prophets and Apostles, who teach with the Spirit and touch my life in ways that teach me what I should do.  I have been sufficiently fed, rebuked, and called to repentance and today I am making some changes in my life.  I need to choose to give up my summer home in Babylon and while that is my personal choice and I'm definitely not in the business of judging others and their possible summer homes, I just wanted to share.  Pray for me.  I have a lot of sins I'm not sure I'm ready to give up and I need all the help I can get.  May God bless us to follow His prophet.

Forget Not

I love General Conference time! It starts for me with the Young Women or Relief Society meeting and then goes for a week, and then ends up when I get my Ensign and can mark up all those great things the prophets said.  This week I was especially moved by President Uchtdorf's talk and so now my blog sports a forget me not, so I'll not forget!

Raise your hand if you're crazy!!!!!

Before you start reading... I don't have pictures yet... I may add them later.  Also the tense changes a lot, so if the grammar bothers you... I apologize.  I'm not turning this in for credit, and this is how it came out of my brain.  I guess that's the good thing about putting this on my blog, I can write it anyway I want and you can choose not to read it   :)  Also... it's long.  It took us almost 11 hours to do the Temple Walk and it'll only take you 11 minutes to relive it!!


"So was it fun?"  What is it with that question?  A few months ago, I would have hit the person/people who asked that kind of a question, but today... yeah it was kind of fun.

It all starts when the alarm goes off at 1:30 a.m. and you jump out of bed after sleeping 8 1/2 hours.  You grab your running shoes, and pack your backpack with Gatorade, band-aids, extra socks, and some other odds and ends, then head to work to meet Holly at 2:45 so you can fill 5 water coolers with ice and water.  Then you drive over to the church and realize you're not alone in your insanity, because the church parking lot is full of youth and their parents, and all those other leaders who are just as crazy as you, and the funny part is, only a few of them look miserable.  I think secretly, they are all excited to be up at 3 in the morning.  Holly gives a few last minute instructions, everyone grabs a pen and a piece of interfacing that will eventually be pinned to all of our shirts, with two names penned on.  One for a person we're walking in celebration of and the other someone we are walking in memory of.  It is hoped that these people will be the motivation behind this insanity.  At long last, we pack up in as few vehicles as possible (it was a lot,  there were about 50 of us) and get on the freeway to drive 45 minutes south just to walk more than half way back.  It's a little after 4 and you can't see our destination because they haven't turned on the lights yet.  Before we leave though, those beautiful lights come on and in the "shadow" of the pre-dawn morning, we gather in front of the Draper Temple for a picture.  The "Before" picture. When the photographer is satisfied, we start down the hill.  The goal is 22.7 miles away and we are so eager to get going.  The moonlight helped us see our way, with the help of some flash lights and head lamps.  Our first stop for bathrooms and breakfast is 3.3 miles away and we start off at a good clip.  About a mile and a half into the walk we hit the Porter Rockwell trail, a nicely paved trail that keeps us off Draper's busy roads (because there is a TON of traffic on Saturday morning at 4:30).  Keeping an eye out for wildlife, we spot a small frog.  I was pretty sure it was a grass hopper until my light caught it.  That was the extent of the wildlife on the trail, aside from a few rowdy young men, but we made good time getting to the park.  After a potty stop and some muffins and juice, we fill our water bottles and head for the hills.  Literally.  The biggest hill on our journey was just out of the park and we conquered it in a few short minutes.  The next stop is another 3.2 miles away and has been slightly modified from our original plan, since Sandy City doesn't open it's park bathrooms till 9:00, so we got a really nice man to open a church for us at 6:00 in the morning just so we'll have a place to pee.  We fill up water bottles yet again and grab granola bars and trail mix to snack on and head off again.  The light is starting to show from the sunrise and as we continue on we realize we're not alone in our journey.  There's another group of young women walking and surprise, their destination is the same as ours.  I call Mom and Dad to tell them we're almost to their neighborhood so they can come meet us, but we walk too fast and they miss us.  I told them to go back for the car and meet us farther down the street.  They meet us at 7-11 and we stop long enough for a quick hug and then the light turns green and off we go.  By now we've walked nearly 9 miles and I can't believe how far we've come.  This area is where I grew up, and I can't believe that I have walked from Corner Canyon in Draper to this point.  Only 14 miles yet to go.  We stop again to use the bathrooms at Harmon's and after filling water bottles again, we continue down the trail.  Wheeler farm is our next stop and the half way mark.  We stop for bagels and chocolate milk and some blister treatment from our capable first aid team.  About a half hour later we head off again, and see yet another group walking.  These girls are in pink tee shirts with the temple spires on the backs and they are moving quickly.  We make it to the Walmart, 14.2 miles into our journey for another potty stop and a potassium boost.  Bananas are handed around and we take advantage of a first aid need to rest a minute.  We start again and I proceed to walk the LONGEST 3.6 miles of my life!!  Our next destination is Fairmont park, but somewhere along the way my right knee starts to hurt and I'm not entirely sure I'm going to make it all the way there.  Another leader, Jessica, is having the same problem and so she and I take up the rear and slowly plod on together.  WE WILL NOT GET INTO THE CAR!!  We are WALKING to the temple.  After an eternity of pain and fighting, we make it to the park where the first aid team is ready with ice and tape and they tape up my knee while I ice it.  Everyone eats Gogurt, and after a really long time, (We weren't the only ones in need of first aid) we start again.  My knee still hurts and the tape is uncomfortable, so I'm still slow going, and I begin to count the blocks.  IT'S A REALLY LONG WAY!!!  We make it to Liberty Park and a few people run to use the bathroom, but I know I won't make it all the way to the bathroom, so I decide I'll go when we get to our lunch stop.  As we are getting ready to leave the park, I realize that there's something on my foot that feels like a giant blister and I can feel the liquid, so I'm sure it's going to pop.  It's only a mile and a half to the lunch stop so I grit my teeth and start walking.  Again, I'm taking up the rear, but I'm still walking and that's all that matters at this point.  We're two and a half miles from the temple.  As I round the corner to the church, where lunch and bathrooms are waiting, I see something that makes me smile big.  It's Sister Elaine S. Dalton, the YW general President, and it seems that Holly's letter worked.  She wrote to her a few weeks ago, but we were told that if we wanted her to visit officially, we'd have to have the stake president submit something official.  If we wanted to try our luck, the secretary could tell Sister Dalton where we'd be and she'd be there if she could.  We were about an hour behind schedule and Sister Dalton was originally told the wrong church, but it turned out that she saw some of the other groups walking and got to totally surprise them so divine intervention must have been behind our first aid needs.  We go to the bathroom and then head outside where we grab our lunches and Sister Dalton speaks to us about the walk and what we've learned.  She then encouraged us to find "our" spot on the Temple when we get there, and to make it ours.  She told us to touch our spot on the Temple, and then when we meet our Eternal Companion to take him or her there and show him our spot on the Temple and share with him our experience of walking and then have him put his hand there with ours.  Then when we have kids, to take them to our spot and tell them of our experience and let them touch our spot.  She then took out a flashlight and a piece of glass. She shined the light on the glass and you could see the light go through the glass.  She then took out a piece of crystal from a chandelier in the Provo Temple, and shined the light on that.  It reflected the light brilliantly and she compared it to living with virtue.  After she was done speaking Holly asked if we could take a picture and so we gathered together, and Sister Dalton is standing next to me with her arm around my sweaty body!!  She headed out, we got our few first aid emergencies treated (including my blister which was by the way as big as a quarter and full of junk...it was like walking on a water balloon) and then Holly asked if we were ready to walk the final mile to the Temple.  We were so ready and off we headed.  We turned onto South Temple and although I was in a lot of pain from my knee and my blistered feet, I was completely oblivious to anything except the fact that I had almost walked from the Draper Temple to the Salt Lake Temple.  We got to State Street and crossed the street, turned North so we could enter the plaza from the East.  As we got to the steps, I looked up and saw that temple and immediately said to Jessica, "I want to cry."  I have NEVER in my life been so excited to see the Salt Lake Temple as I was in that moment and then almost in the same breath I was sorry it was over.  I was sore, tired, overjoyed that we had finally made it, but at the same time, we'd been building up to this for nine months and in that moment it was gone.  Accomplished, finished, and now all I was left with was the memory.  Yes I wanted to cry.  On one hand, because that temple was the most beautiful sight EVER... but on the other hand, I didn't want it to be over.  My life has been consumed with weeks and months of preparation and it was over.  Sister Dalton had said something about knowing we could do hard things and I had.  I had conquered something that 6 months ago, I would have deemed IMPOSSIBLE!  I had walked nearly 23 miles and it didn't kill me.  I gathered with everyone by the fountain by the Church Office Building for the "After" picture and felt AMAZING.  Later I walked up to the Temple.  It was busy.  Brides, grooms, families, and the other 5 wards that did something hard.  I walked around to the west side so I could find "My Spot".  I didn't want it to be in a crowded spot.  I chose the South west tower and picked a place on the north side and smiled to myself as I claimed it for me.  I then sat on the wall and called my mom and Nicole to tell them I'd survived and then slowly and painfully got up and headed home.  A few more days of slow and painful followed, but in my memory and in my heart, I know I won't remember that it hurt.  I'll remember that I walked from the Draper Temple to the Salt Lake Temple, and it changed my life.